Transgender People Are Not a Threat to You

and they deserve better

I am going to, very respectfully, share some of my thoughts about the current treatment of transgender and other gender diverse people. Open to opinions and/or critique/pushback, calls to think deeper or more broadly, or with more nuance and specificity, from gender diverse people. Open to questions from all. But I am not open to debating the validity of gender diverse people. I feel compelled to share, based on my personal observations and experiences. Hang in there with me for a moment.

There are a few crass things thrown in here. Forgive me. It's deeply personal, and I grew up in Wyoming. (shrug emoji) But, to be honest—these are things I have heard people in my real, actual life, say to or ask about transgender people. Here we go.

I have friends who are Pepsi people, Coke people, or Red Bull people. I have friends who drink Makers, Jack Daniels, and Knob Creek. I have sober friends too. Some people only drink reverse osmosis water. Yeah, that's a real thing.

Some friends cheer for the Ducks. And there are Beaver, Yankees, and Niners fans in my circles. They have jerseys and tickets and hats and rivalries. "Your team." It gives you a sense of community and some would even say identity.

Some like football (soccer). Some like football (American). Sometimes a friend likes both. They tend to dress a bit differently, but not always. Some Do Not Like Sports.

I have friends who are sexual. Some are hetero, and some are bi, gay, lesbian, or pansexual. Some are asexual. There are many more affinities.

I could keep giving examples, but it's all the same thing. People know what they like. They know who they like. They know themselves best. These things become parts of who and how we are. I forgive my friends who root for UW. Sometimes I get the ick from UW. But I get it. That team is not for me, because of many things I know about that program. I can learn more from my friends, about why they do like UW. I accept there are UW fans. And I love some of them—I accept them. Not all Huskies are so bad. My world view has shifted. (See what I did there?)

People know themselves better than you, even when you know them better than anyone else. And sure, you might think you know your favorite person better than they know themselves--that you know the "real" them, and they are confused. But even so, those are your observations from the Outside of a person. And sometimes people are just too aware of your investment in being the expert on them.

We don't always know how to listen. And our brains make us feel safe by creating a "reality" for us, that helps us feel we have an understanding of, and a degree of control over, our environments. And our friends and family.

So here we are, living through a vehement bathroom and pronoun war, trying to save the soul of our country from transgender people. Really? Who are we—as a society, who are we? What is this? (Again. Here we are again. And still.)

Cisgender is a dirty word now, in some circles—an example of far left, radical lib-speak. Transgender is "a delusion." "A mental illness." "A fetish." "Pedophilia." "Grooming." “Bathroom rapist.”

No. The book that designates the criteria for who is mentally ill, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, was first written in 1952, back when it was illegal to be gay.

"...in 1950, Congress put forth a report entitled “Employment of Homosexuals and Other Sex Perverts in Government,” which marks the first time that Congress explicitly discriminated based on sexual orientation. This prejudicial report encouraged the Civil Service Commission to investigate and fire “moral perverts” who worked for the federal government." (from https://capitolhistory.org/capitol-history-blog/a-summary-history-of-lgbtq-legislation-and-representation-within-congress/)

To give an example of how badly we have messed things up for queer people, and for how long: In that original DSM version, homosexuality was categorized as a "sociopathic personality disturbance." It wasn't until the fifth DSM update, in 2013, that the APA removed any mention of same sex orientation as a disorder.

"The category of sociopathic personality disturbance included subcategories, such as antisocial reaction, sexual deviation, and addiction. Sexual deviation included different types of behavior classified as pathologic, including “homosexuality, transvestism, pedophilia, fetishism, and sexual sadism including rape, sexual assault, mutilation” (from https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp-rj.2022.180103)

Enter gender diversity. You may not like it. You may not understand. You may not care about them. But transgender people have always existed. They will always exist. We can call them whatever we want, but they are real. Deny it. Hate it--and people even murder them. In fact, "Hitler’s Nazi government brutally targeted the trans community, deporting many trans people to concentration camps and wiping out vibrant community structures." https://mjhnyc.org/events/transgender-experiences-in-weimar-and-nazi-germany/

I'm tired. I've loved trans people since I learned about them, and I have a lot of gender diversity that lives inside of me. People say, that's normal...what makes a woman anyway, etc? Some people are like, cool, thanks! or even Yay! But nobody has ever asked, what is that like? Can you help me understand? Nobody.

A transgender person has an experience, from inside of themself. They know what feels right, for them. And what feels wrong. And also, what feels interesting to explore and what is not. We cannot possibly come to understand something that we have never experienced. We can only try to understand.

Guys, gals, friends, fam: Pronouns are far more personal than sports teams or beverage preferences.

I want my cisgender friends to do an experiment. Go by the opposite pronouns for one day and see how weird it feels. How incongruent and distracting to your brain. Even try for a week. A month. Just to experience the incongruence. Then when you switch back, have people tell you you are making outlandish demands and it's just too hard for them. Have them tell you how much work they did for you, and even tell you what an entitled piece of shit you are.

"They're demanding we use pronouns." Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. People are asking. People are sharing, about themselves. Some people even just tell or yes, demand it (to be respected). But you don't have to.

Though, doesn't it feel a little weird to call someone by the opposite gender just because you want to. To make yourself more comfortable? To be mean. To say, essentially, what gives you the right (to know yourself)? I'll say what I fucking please. And by the way, did you chop your dick off?

If you see signs of gender diversity and you're not sure, feel free to barge ahead. Call people whatever you want, or ignore those signals entirely. Refuse to try. It's not about you anyway. If you don't care, you don't care.

Or you can ask--Is it ok if I ask you a personal question, about gender? People will appreciate it or they will say no. That's that. Occasionally someone will get indignant that you have questioned their gender. And if they say yes, just ask. Are you open to sharing a little about your gender? How do you like to be referred to? Or does that make you a big liberal pussy?

Is it better to just mow over everyone, to save yourself the effort and look like a strong American? Is it better to not care? Choose your own adventure.

Photo by Aiden Craver on Unsplash